| Sad, but true. Just about everywhere you look | | | | drying it with your wife's hair dryer (when |
| online, the English language is suffering a | | | | she'd gone out of the house, natch), and then |
| fate worse than death. The problem, in | | | | gingerly covering it with a special jelly for |
| reality, is so widespread that it has begun | | | | sofness. You know, just your average 3-Step |
| to affect all aspects of the language. "But, | | | | Recycling Process used mainly in Third World |
| what on Earth does this have to do with | | | | countries like Wyoming, for instance...For |
| Internet marketing?" you may be asking. Well, | | | | the purposes of this little tale, let's call |
| my fellow netpreneur...Everything!It has | | | | this first marketer, Butcher D. Grammer.Well, |
| everything to do with Internet marketing if | | | | this confounded fellow started something |
| you wish to portray yourself, and be | | | | which has become a movement, or a new |
| perceived as, a Marketing Professional on the | | | | language convention. Butcher decided that the |
| internet. Just remember, professionally | | | | little fellow, my friend the apostrophe, |
| speaking, Image is Everything. On the other | | | | should not be used according to any rules or |
| hand, if you're not particularly interested | | | | previous language conventions; heck no, the |
| in putting your 'best foot forward' when | | | | little fellow would, according to our |
| marketing your services or products, and I | | | | Bathroom Recycle Consultant, be used any |
| really hope this is not the case, then none | | | | ol'time.He would use it, and so would the |
| of this applies to you.Obviously, we don't | | | | masses who were yet to come, but who would |
| have time here to do an in-depth study of the | | | | follow suit, and our Butcher knew this well, |
| many instances of, what I would term, "casual | | | | to interchangeably indicate either the |
| disdain" I've witnessed online. So, in order | | | | possessive or the plural forms in any |
| to illustrate my point, I'll concentrate on a | | | | sentence.So, a sentence such as, "The seller |
| small, but vital component of the English | | | | does not guarantee its potential profit," |
| language: the innocent, harmless | | | | became: "The seller does not guarantee it's |
| apostrophe.Allow me to try to paint a picture | | | | potential profit."Here he turned the |
| for you. A long, long, time ago, around the | | | | possessive form of "its" into the |
| time of the De Soto, the Corvair, | | | | abbreviated, or the contraction form of, it |
| bellbottoms, the VW "bug" (ring a bell?), and | | | | is. So, if you were to read the second |
| before beatniks became known as hippies, you | | | | sentence, removing the contraction, the last |
| could look at advertisement copy and expect, | | | | part would read: "does not guarantee it is |
| to some degree, that it had been reviewed | | | | potential."But, our little Butcher, a |
| and, presumably, corrected.In other words, it | | | | thorough and disciplined craftsman, was not |
| was safe for women, children, and other life | | | | through yet. After all, there was even more |
| forms to view it, and read its content | | | | damage he could inflict on American English; |
| without suffering any permanent, debilitating | | | | and, leeringly, he mused, rubbing his hands |
| psychological damage, such as a hard to | | | | together, "They'll follow me blindly |
| diagnose speech impediment, or maybe an | | | | anywhere."Next, he turned his attention to |
| involuntary nervous twitch across one | | | | the plural form of simple words. Just about |
| cheek.What I see most of us doing now, at the | | | | any word ending in "s," indicating that there |
| dawn of the 21st Century, is that we read ad | | | | was more than one object of whatever unit was |
| copy, and then, because it's in bold letters | | | | being counted or measured, he turned into, |
| on carefully selected background, surrounded | | | | you guessed it, the possessive form.Words or |
| by pretty pictures, we accept its message as | | | | terms such as, buyers, software tools, |
| Gospel truth. We get so bowled over by the | | | | ingrown toe nails, battering ramps, fools, |
| "look" of it, that we forget to examine it | | | | attractive girls, dumb-as-can-be-guys, and |
| critically enough.Talk about your viral | | | | many, many others, became: buyer's, software |
| strategy, indeed...Today, in the age of the | | | | tool's, ingrown toe nail's, battering ramp's, |
| cell phone, the Lexus, Viagra, the twenty | | | | fool's, attractive girl's, |
| five cent phone call, and a PC "in every | | | | dumb-as-can-be-guy's.As hard to believe as it |
| barn," wherever I look, I see the poor | | | | may seem, Butcher reign of terror is still |
| apostrophe maligned and misused. It gets no | | | | not only alive and well, but from what I'm |
| respect, either offline on signs, billboards, | | | | going to show you, it's expanding |
| and late-night Infomercials, or (shudder) | | | | frighteningly. Please have a look at the |
| online in cyber country, on that very | | | | following three additional examples, and |
| personal and intimate expression of its | | | | cringe in terror:1. If your interested, just |
| owner's taste and personality: an | | | | sign up from the link below.2. Just click |
| individual's web site.Since I spend so much | | | | here, and your done.3. Simply load email |
| time online, much more, I think, than I spend | | | | address's into your auto-responder.Obviously, |
| on the real pavement of our world, I notice | | | | in the first two sentences, Butcher and his |
| the glaring mistreatment heaped upon our poor | | | | followers have cleverly used the |
| little fellow- the apostrophe-by careless | | | | second-person possessive pronoun "your" as a |
| webmasters, even more. The main thing I | | | | substitute for the abbreviated "you're." |
| notice is that the apostrophe's originally | | | | Their thinking being, "The heck with that |
| intended use is slowly eroding; people are | | | | comma-like thing which is supposed to go on |
| just making up their own versions of what its | | | | top. Nobody will even miss it. And, we can |
| purpose really is. This is a prime example of | | | | get away with chopping off the last "e", |
| what I mean by "casual disdain."It's been | | | | also." (So, once again, the apostrophe gets |
| reported in 'The Really Up Yonder Gazette', | | | | the shaft).As regards the third sentence |
| an influential publication dedicated to | | | | shown above, quite frankly, I have no |
| digging up gossip about the well known dearly | | | | comment; I wouldn't even know where to begin |
| departed, that both William Shakespeare and | | | | defining or deciphering it...I'm afraid to |
| John Milton have thrown up their arms in | | | | look at it. It's just a stroke of genius from |
| despair, and are contemplating turning their | | | | the hand of our hero, Butcher, who must have |
| backs for good on something that some would | | | | found the inspiration for this little morcel |
| consider their own creation: our English | | | | during a wrenching psychotic episode.Now, I |
| language.As a matter of fact, in a recent | | | | don't know how other people feel about the |
| exclusive interview, "Willie boy" himself | | | | sinister, pervasive, and, yes, viral damage |
| bemoans the effect all of this is having on | | | | caused by this one crazy guy, but I, for one, |
| his favorite language, as follows:"Oh, | | | | hope he has gone to his final resting place. |
| perfidy that has befallen our instrument of | | | | Let him drive them crazy over there if (God |
| expression, by us once nearly refined. Oh, | | | | forbid) he finds himself near a typewriter; |
| treachery flung upon us by the masses | | | | as it is, Butcher's handiwork makes me go |
| shamelessly disdainful of reading and | | | | nuts practically every day here in cyber |
| writing, of independent thought evidently | | | | space.If only we could go back to that time |
| incapable!"Ahem...Frankly, I firmly believe | | | | in the past, 1962 comes readily to mind for |
| that this unwarranted offense was perpetrated | | | | one reason or another, when spelling and a |
| by one of the first guys, if not the very | | | | little attention to grammar counted for |
| first, who threw up that first Web site | | | | something.But, as they say, in Bolivia, |
| selling, say, floppy disks with instructions | | | | "Dude, t'ain't no use complainin', 'dem 'dere |
| on how to extend the mileage on single-ply | | | | day's is long gone. |
| bathroom tissue by rewashing it, carefully | | | | |