| It's a known fact that boating magazines have been | | | | becomes a parking lot ideally shaped for that |
| responsible for spreading strange afflictions to many | | | | unfinished catamaran hull, the fridge becomes a store |
| unsuspecting NP's (normal people) many of whom | | | | for mixed-up epoxy glue which in turn, makes the |
| started out in their blighted lives innocently glancing | | | | bacon smell and taste of styrene, (which, of course |
| through the pages of one of those aforementioned | | | | in many cases, is a vast improvement). |
| 'Mags' without realising the terrible dangers they were | | | | Now the family dog begins advanced self-training and |
| being exposed to. | | | | learns how to take itself for walkies, turns gradually |
| These normal people (I was once one) are well | | | | feral and gnaws off cuts of cedar wood instead of |
| known for their pitying sideways glances at the | | | | bones. |
| aqueously inclined subspecies known generally as | | | | The victim now tries frantically to save ready cash to |
| 'boaties, yachties' and sometimes worse, 'grotty | | | | make the bi-annual pilgrimage to the Holiest of holy |
| yachties'. | | | | Mecca's, The Wooden Boat Show in Tasmania where |
| Many of these NP's frequent their local yacht clubs | | | | he will mingle freely with other afflicted souls (well, at |
| because the view over the water is wonderful, the | | | | least the Government know where they all are at |
| chips are good and it's possible to hobnob with | | | | once, I suppose) Upon his return and surrounded by |
| people so rich that they don't even own a boat. | | | | a holy glow, the shed will again echo to the whine of |
| These elevated types are fawned and fondled over | | | | drill and the hypnotic drone of sander deep into the |
| by the Commodore and are considered above | | | | night. So deeply smitten, our man will by now no |
| questioning about such mundane exploits such as | | | | longer be able to know the difference between a |
| sailing, hoisting the yardarm and all that stuff. In fact, | | | | few seconds and several hours, cups of tea will grow |
| if a yachtie who could actually afford to keep his | | | | cold, old and mouldy and gradually be swallowed by |
| craft in such a place for a night or two, let alone the | | | | the all invading sawdust. |
| membership fees, dared to splash a dab of paint | | | | The actual object of his attentions takes various |
| onto his "Lucky Lady IV" he'd run a real risk of being | | | | forms. It may, to all intents and purposes, look like a |
| chucked out of the aforementioned establishment for | | | | perfectly ordinary kayak, a harmless skiff or a |
| lowering the tone of the joint. | | | | pleasant rowing boat but don't be fooled for an |
| However, I digress. It's very difficult in many cases | | | | instant. The Devil takes many forms and temptation |
| to pinpoint exactly which event causes the cerebral | | | | is never far from the afflicted. You'd think, wouldn't |
| flash that causes many a sane man to crossover into | | | | you, that once the fellow had purged these primeval |
| the murky world of sawdust, sheds, spiling and | | | | urges, he would repent, hoover the house, delouse |
| tantric sawing and it's said, in certain quarters, that it's | | | | and retrain the dog, dispose of the empty stubbies |
| not at all like getting chickenpox or mumps because | | | | and fall on his knees and beg the wife to return to a |
| they actually go away after a bit. It is actually like | | | | life of neat lawns and crisply ironed shirts. |
| getting religion, you know, the soul becomes | | | | But it is, I'm led to believe, a matter of record that |
| permanently contaminated forever. | | | | once caught, this dreadful disease ruins the brain and |
| It's a transformation, a 'seeing of the light' and the | | | | is etched forever into the psyche that controls all |
| victim once hooked, is totally unaware that for | | | | human will and like smack cocaine, chocolate, rum and |
| evermore he will alienate the wife, mother-in-law and | | | | sex, once tasted, will never leave the victim in peace. |
| kids, ruin every stitch of clothing with epoxy and | | | | Despite all promises to the contrary, he will return to |
| paint, wear the strangest of shoes, forget to mow | | | | his old habits and stroke timber planks and drool |
| the lawn and the oddest symptom of all, he will | | | | unknowingly over the freely available porn of boating |
| almost never again possess tidy hair or clean knees | | | | magazines that lie in wait for yet more victims on the |
| again. | | | | shelves of every newsagent in the land. |
| The victim AI (after infection) will take to the shed, | | | | Footnote one: |
| rifle the rent jar, convert the life savings into wood | | | | It is a confirmed scientific fact that male persons are |
| and begin to smell of paint, wood glue and acetone. | | | | much more likely to become infected than the |
| Steadily growing piles of BM's appear (boating mags) | | | | female gender, but in one well known documented |
| and the daily arrival of the postman will result in | | | | case, a decent lady turned into a yachty, gathered |
| muffled chuckles of demented glee from the shed as | | | | other females about her, got a boat and damned well |
| he rips the wrapping off a new scarfing machine or a | | | | sailed right round the world. |
| number 3 Stanley plane, now banned in many | | | | Footnote two: |
| hardware shops (well, they must be, you can't find | | | | A well known publisher of such material who shall |
| one for love nor money these days). | | | | remain nameless but is known in the trade as |
| It's been statistically proven, in many cases wives | | | | "Pusher" (P.L.) when interviewed about his interests in |
| and kids threaten to leave home and if they do, it's a | | | | these magazines, declined to comment except for |
| bad thing because the house becomes 'workshop | | | | one sentence only and I quote: "Whatever floats yer |
| two'. Turps bottles replace milk cartons, the hallway | | | | boat, mate! |