| It's a known fact that boating magazines | | | | lot ideally shaped for that unfinished |
| have been responsible for spreading | | | | catamaran hull, the fridge becomes a |
| strange afflictions to many unsuspecting | | | | store for mixed-up epoxy glue which in |
| NP's (normal people) many of whom | | | | turn, makes the bacon smell and taste of |
| started out in their blighted lives | | | | styrene, (which, of course in many |
| innocently glancing through the pages of | | | | cases, is a vast improvement). |
| one of those aforementioned 'Mags' | | | | Now the family dog begins advanced |
| without realising the terrible dangers | | | | self-training and learns how to take |
| they were being exposed to. | | | | itself for walkies, turns gradually |
| These normal people (I was once one) are | | | | feral and gnaws off cuts of cedar wood |
| well known for their pitying sideways | | | | instead of bones. |
| glances at the aqueously inclined | | | | The victim now tries frantically to save |
| subspecies known generally as 'boaties, | | | | ready cash to make the bi-annual |
| yachties' and sometimes worse, 'grotty | | | | pilgrimage to the Holiest of holy |
| yachties'. | | | | Mecca's, The Wooden Boat Show in |
| Many of these NP's frequent their local | | | | Tasmania where he will mingle freely |
| yacht clubs because the view over the | | | | with other afflicted souls (well, at |
| water is wonderful, the chips are good | | | | least the Government know where they all |
| and it's possible to hobnob with people | | | | are at once, I suppose) Upon his return |
| so rich that they don't even own a boat. | | | | and surrounded by a holy glow, the shed |
| These elevated types are fawned and | | | | will again echo to the whine of drill |
| fondled over by the Commodore and are | | | | and the hypnotic drone of sander deep |
| considered above questioning about such | | | | into the night. So deeply smitten, our |
| mundane exploits such as sailing, | | | | man will by now no longer be able to |
| hoisting the yardarm and all that stuff. | | | | know the difference between a few |
| In fact, if a yachtie who could actually | | | | seconds and several hours, cups of tea |
| afford to keep his craft in such a place | | | | will grow cold, old and mouldy and |
| for a night or two, let alone the | | | | gradually be swallowed by the all |
| membership fees, dared to splash a dab | | | | invading sawdust. |
| of paint onto his "Lucky Lady IV" he'd | | | | The actual object of his attentions |
| run a real risk of being chucked out of | | | | takes various forms. It may, to all |
| the aforementioned establishment for | | | | intents and purposes, look like a |
| lowering the tone of the joint. | | | | perfectly ordinary kayak, a harmless |
| However, I digress. It's very difficult | | | | skiff or a pleasant rowing boat but |
| in many cases to pinpoint exactly which | | | | don't be fooled for an instant. The |
| event causes the cerebral flash that | | | | Devil takes many forms and temptation is |
| causes many a sane man to crossover into | | | | never far from the afflicted. You'd |
| the murky world of sawdust, sheds, | | | | think, wouldn't you, that once the |
| spiling and tantric sawing and it's | | | | fellow had purged these primeval urges, |
| said, in certain quarters, that it's not | | | | he would repent, hoover the house, |
| at all like getting chickenpox or mumps | | | | delouse and retrain the dog, dispose of |
| because they actually go away after a | | | | the empty stubbies and fall on his knees |
| bit. It is actually like getting | | | | and beg the wife to return to a life of |
| religion, you know, the soul becomes | | | | neat lawns and crisply ironed shirts. |
| permanently contaminated forever. | | | | But it is, I'm led to believe, a matter |
| It's a transformation, a 'seeing of the | | | | of record that once caught, this |
| light' and the victim once hooked, is | | | | dreadful disease ruins the brain and is |
| totally unaware that for evermore he | | | | etched forever into the psyche that |
| will alienate the wife, mother-in-law | | | | controls all human will and like smack |
| and kids, ruin every stitch of clothing | | | | cocaine, chocolate, rum and sex, once |
| with epoxy and paint, wear the strangest | | | | tasted, will never leave the victim in |
| of shoes, forget to mow the lawn and the | | | | peace. Despite all promises to the |
| oddest symptom of all, he will almost | | | | contrary, he will return to his old |
| never again possess tidy hair or clean | | | | habits and stroke timber planks and |
| knees again. | | | | drool unknowingly over the freely |
| The victim AI (after infection) will | | | | available porn of boating magazines that |
| take to the shed, rifle the rent jar, | | | | lie in wait for yet more victims on the |
| convert the life savings into wood and | | | | shelves of every newsagent in the land. |
| begin to smell of paint, wood glue and | | | | Footnote one: |
| acetone. Steadily growing piles of BM's | | | | It is a confirmed scientific fact that |
| appear (boating mags) and the daily | | | | male persons are much more likely to |
| arrival of the postman will result in | | | | become infected than the female gender, |
| muffled chuckles of demented glee from | | | | but in one well known documented case, a |
| the shed as he rips the wrapping off a | | | | decent lady turned into a yachty, |
| new scarfing machine or a number 3 | | | | gathered other females about her, got a |
| Stanley plane, now banned in many | | | | boat and damned well sailed right round |
| hardware shops (well, they must be, you | | | | the world. |
| can't find one for love nor money these | | | | Footnote two: |
| days). | | | | A well known publisher of such material |
| It's been statistically proven, in many | | | | who shall remain nameless but is known |
| cases wives and kids threaten to leave | | | | in the trade as "Pusher" (P.L.) when |
| home and if they do, it's a bad thing | | | | interviewed about his interests in these |
| because the house becomes 'workshop | | | | magazines, declined to comment except |
| two'. Turps bottles replace milk | | | | for one sentence only and I quote: |
| cartons, the hallway becomes a parking | | | | "Whatever floats yer boat, mate! |