| It's a known fact that boating magazines
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| | shaped for that unfinished catamaran
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| have been responsible for spreading
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| | hull, the fridge becomes a store for
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| strange afflictions to many unsuspecting
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| | mixed-up epoxy glue which in turn, makes
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| NP's (normal people) many of whom started
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| | the bacon smell and taste of styrene,
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| out in their blighted lives innocently
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| | (which, of course in many cases, is a
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| glancing through the pages of one of
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| | vast improvement).
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| those aforementioned 'Mags' without
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| | Now the family dog begins advanced
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| realising the terrible dangers they were
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| | self-training and learns how to take
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| being exposed to.
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| | itself for walkies, turns gradually feral
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| These normal people (I was once one) are
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| | and gnaws off cuts of cedar wood instead
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| well known for their pitying sideways
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| | of bones.
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| glances at the aqueously inclined
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| | The victim now tries frantically to save
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| subspecies known generally as 'boaties,
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| | ready cash to make the bi-annual
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| yachties' and sometimes worse, 'grotty
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| | pilgrimage to the Holiest of holy
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| yachties'.
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| | Mecca's, The Wooden Boat Show in Tasmania
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| Many of these NP's frequent their local
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| | where he will mingle freely with other
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| yacht clubs because the view over the
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| | afflicted souls (well, at least the
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| water is wonderful, the chips are good
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| | Government know where they all are at
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| and it's possible to hobnob with people
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| | once, I suppose) Upon his return and
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| so rich that they don't even own a boat.
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| | surrounded by a holy glow, the shed will
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| These elevated types are fawned and
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| | again echo to the whine of drill and the
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| fondled over by the Commodore and are
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| | hypnotic drone of sander deep into the
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| considered above questioning about such
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| | night. So deeply smitten, our man will by
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| mundane exploits such as sailing,
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| | now no longer be able to know the
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| hoisting the yardarm and all that stuff.
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| | difference between a few seconds and
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| In fact, if a yachtie who could actually
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| | several hours, cups of tea will grow
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| afford to keep his craft in such a place
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| | cold, old and mouldy and gradually be
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| for a night or two, let alone the
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| | swallowed by the all invading sawdust.
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| membership fees, dared to splash a dab of
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| | The actual object of his attentions takes
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| paint onto his "Lucky Lady IV" he'd run a
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| | various forms. It may, to all intents and
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| real risk of being chucked out of the
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| | purposes, look like a perfectly ordinary
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| aforementioned establishment for lowering
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| | kayak, a harmless skiff or a pleasant
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| the tone of the joint.
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| | rowing boat but don't be fooled for an
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| However, I digress. It's very difficult
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| | instant. The Devil takes many forms and
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| in many cases to pinpoint exactly which
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| | temptation is never far from the
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| event causes the cerebral flash that
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| | afflicted. You'd think, wouldn't you,
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| causes many a sane man to crossover into
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| | that once the fellow had purged these
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| the murky world of sawdust, sheds,
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| | primeval urges, he would repent, hoover
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| spiling and tantric sawing and it's said,
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| | the house, delouse and retrain the dog,
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| in certain quarters, that it's not at all
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| | dispose of the empty stubbies and fall on
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| like getting chickenpox or mumps because
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| | his knees and beg the wife to return to a
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| they actually go away after a bit. It is
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| | life of neat lawns and crisply ironed
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| actually like getting religion, you know,
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| | shirts.
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| the soul becomes permanently contaminated
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| | But it is, I'm led to believe, a matter
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| forever.
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| | of record that once caught, this dreadful
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| It's a transformation, a 'seeing of the
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| | disease ruins the brain and is etched
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| light' and the victim once hooked, is
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| | forever into the psyche that controls all
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| totally unaware that for evermore he will
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| | human will and like smack cocaine,
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| alienate the wife, mother-in-law and
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| | chocolate, rum and sex, once tasted, will
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| kids, ruin every stitch of clothing with
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| | never leave the victim in peace. Despite
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| epoxy and paint, wear the strangest of
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| | all promises to the contrary, he will
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| shoes, forget to mow the lawn and the
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| | return to his old habits and stroke
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| oddest symptom of all, he will almost
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| | timber planks and drool unknowingly over
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| never again possess tidy hair or clean
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| | the freely available porn of boating
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| knees again.
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| | magazines that lie in wait for yet more
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| The victim AI (after infection) will take
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| | victims on the shelves of every newsagent
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| to the shed, rifle the rent jar, convert
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| | in the land.
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| the life savings into wood and begin to
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| | Footnote one:
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| smell of paint, wood glue and acetone.
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| | It is a confirmed scientific fact that
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| Steadily growing piles of BM's appear
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| | male persons are much more likely to
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| (boating mags) and the daily arrival of
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| | become infected than the female gender,
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| the postman will result in muffled
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| | but in one well known documented case, a
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| chuckles of demented glee from the shed
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| | decent lady turned into a yachty,
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| as he rips the wrapping off a new
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| | gathered other females about her, got a
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| scarfing machine or a number 3 Stanley
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| | boat and damned well sailed right round
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| plane, now banned in many hardware shops
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| | the world.
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| (well, they must be, you can't find one
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| | Footnote two:
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| for love nor money these days).
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| | A well known publisher of such material
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| It's been statistically proven, in many
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| | who shall remain nameless but is known in
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| cases wives and kids threaten to leave
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| | the trade as "Pusher" (P.L.) when
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| home and if they do, it's a bad thing
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| | interviewed about his interests in these
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| because the house becomes 'workshop two'.
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| | magazines, declined to comment except for
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| Turps bottles replace milk cartons, the
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| | one sentence only and I quote: "Whatever
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| hallway becomes a parking lot ideally
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| | floats yer boat, mate!
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