The Incurable Addiction of Boating

It's a known fact that boating magazines have beenbecomes a parking lot ideally shaped for that
responsible for spreading strange afflictions to manyunfinished catamaran hull, the fridge becomes a store
unsuspecting NP's (normal people) many of whomfor mixed-up epoxy glue which in turn, makes the
started out in their blighted lives innocently glancingbacon smell and taste of styrene, (which, of course
through the pages of one of those aforementionedin many cases, is a vast improvement).
'Mags' without realising the terrible dangers they wereNow the family dog begins advanced self-training and
being exposed to.learns how to take itself for walkies, turns gradually
These normal people (I was once one) are wellferal and gnaws off cuts of cedar wood instead of
known for their pitying sideways glances at thebones.
aqueously inclined subspecies known generally asThe victim now tries frantically to save ready cash to
'boaties, yachties' and sometimes worse, 'grottymake the bi-annual pilgrimage to the Holiest of holy
yachties'.Mecca's, The Wooden Boat Show in Tasmania where
Many of these NP's frequent their local yacht clubshe will mingle freely with other afflicted souls (well, at
because the view over the water is wonderful, theleast the Government know where they all are at
chips are good and it's possible to hobnob withonce, I suppose) Upon his return and surrounded by
people so rich that they don't even own a boat.a holy glow, the shed will again echo to the whine of
These elevated types are fawned and fondled overdrill and the hypnotic drone of sander deep into the
by the Commodore and are considered abovenight. So deeply smitten, our man will by now no
questioning about such mundane exploits such aslonger be able to know the difference between a
sailing, hoisting the yardarm and all that stuff. In fact,few seconds and several hours, cups of tea will grow
if a yachtie who could actually afford to keep hiscold, old and mouldy and gradually be swallowed by
craft in such a place for a night or two, let alone thethe all invading sawdust.
membership fees, dared to splash a dab of paintThe actual object of his attentions takes various
onto his "Lucky Lady IV" he'd run a real risk of beingforms. It may, to all intents and purposes, look like a
chucked out of the aforementioned establishment forperfectly ordinary kayak, a harmless skiff or a
lowering the tone of the joint.pleasant rowing boat but don't be fooled for an
However, I digress. It's very difficult in many casesinstant. The Devil takes many forms and temptation
to pinpoint exactly which event causes the cerebralis never far from the afflicted. You'd think, wouldn't
flash that causes many a sane man to crossover intoyou, that once the fellow had purged these primeval
the murky world of sawdust, sheds, spiling andurges, he would repent, hoover the house, delouse
tantric sawing and it's said, in certain quarters, that it'sand retrain the dog, dispose of the empty stubbies
not at all like getting chickenpox or mumps becauseand fall on his knees and beg the wife to return to a
they actually go away after a bit. It is actually likelife of neat lawns and crisply ironed shirts.
getting religion, you know, the soul becomesBut it is, I'm led to believe, a matter of record that
permanently contaminated forever.once caught, this dreadful disease ruins the brain and
It's a transformation, a 'seeing of the light' and theis etched forever into the psyche that controls all
victim once hooked, is totally unaware that forhuman will and like smack cocaine, chocolate, rum and
evermore he will alienate the wife, mother-in-law andsex, once tasted, will never leave the victim in peace.
kids, ruin every stitch of clothing with epoxy andDespite all promises to the contrary, he will return to
paint, wear the strangest of shoes, forget to mowhis old habits and stroke timber planks and drool
the lawn and the oddest symptom of all, he willunknowingly over the freely available porn of boating
almost never again possess tidy hair or clean kneesmagazines that lie in wait for yet more victims on the
again.shelves of every newsagent in the land.
The victim AI (after infection) will take to the shed,Footnote one:
rifle the rent jar, convert the life savings into woodIt is a confirmed scientific fact that male persons are
and begin to smell of paint, wood glue and acetone.much more likely to become infected than the
Steadily growing piles of BM's appear (boating mags)female gender, but in one well known documented
and the daily arrival of the postman will result incase, a decent lady turned into a yachty, gathered
muffled chuckles of demented glee from the shed asother females about her, got a boat and damned well
he rips the wrapping off a new scarfing machine or asailed right round the world.
number 3 Stanley plane, now banned in manyFootnote two:
hardware shops (well, they must be, you can't findA well known publisher of such material who shall
one for love nor money these days).remain nameless but is known in the trade as
It's been statistically proven, in many cases wives"Pusher" (P.L.) when interviewed about his interests in
and kids threaten to leave home and if they do, it's athese magazines, declined to comment except for
bad thing because the house becomes 'workshopone sentence only and I quote: "Whatever floats yer
two'. Turps bottles replace milk cartons, the hallwayboat, mate!