| It's a known fact that boating magazines
| |
| | shaped for that unfinished catamaran
|
| have been responsible for spreading
| |
| | hull, the fridge becomes a store for
|
| strange afflictions to many unsuspecting
| |
| | mixed-up epoxy glue which in turn, makes
|
| NP's (normal people) many of whom started
| |
| | the bacon smell and taste of styrene,
|
| out in their blighted lives innocently
| |
| | (which, of course in many cases, is a
|
| glancing through the pages of one of
| |
| | vast improvement).
|
| those aforementioned 'Mags' without
| |
| | Now the family dog begins advanced
|
| realising the terrible dangers they were
| |
| | self-training and learns how to take
|
| being exposed to.
| |
| | itself for walkies, turns gradually feral
|
| These normal people (I was once one) are
| |
| | and gnaws off cuts of cedar wood instead
|
| well known for their pitying sideways
| |
| | of bones.
|
| glances at the aqueously inclined
| |
| | The victim now tries frantically to save
|
| subspecies known generally as 'boaties,
| |
| | ready cash to make the bi-annual
|
| yachties' and sometimes worse, 'grotty
| |
| | pilgrimage to the Holiest of holy
|
| yachties'.
| |
| | Mecca's, The Wooden Boat Show in Tasmania
|
| Many of these NP's frequent their local
| |
| | where he will mingle freely with other
|
| yacht clubs because the view over the
| |
| | afflicted souls (well, at least the
|
| water is wonderful, the chips are good
| |
| | Government know where they all are at
|
| and it's possible to hobnob with people
| |
| | once, I suppose) Upon his return and
|
| so rich that they don't even own a boat.
| |
| | surrounded by a holy glow, the shed will
|
| These elevated types are fawned and
| |
| | again echo to the whine of drill and the
|
| fondled over by the Commodore and are
| |
| | hypnotic drone of sander deep into the
|
| considered above questioning about such
| |
| | night. So deeply smitten, our man will by
|
| mundane exploits such as sailing,
| |
| | now no longer be able to know the
|
| hoisting the yardarm and all that stuff.
| |
| | difference between a few seconds and
|
| In fact, if a yachtie who could actually
| |
| | several hours, cups of tea will grow
|
| afford to keep his craft in such a place
| |
| | cold, old and mouldy and gradually be
|
| for a night or two, let alone the
| |
| | swallowed by the all invading sawdust.
|
| membership fees, dared to splash a dab of
| |
| | The actual object of his attentions takes
|
| paint onto his "Lucky Lady IV" he'd run a
| |
| | various forms. It may, to all intents and
|
| real risk of being chucked out of the
| |
| | purposes, look like a perfectly ordinary
|
| aforementioned establishment for lowering
| |
| | kayak, a harmless skiff or a pleasant
|
| the tone of the joint.
| |
| | rowing boat but don't be fooled for an
|
| However, I digress. It's very difficult
| |
| | instant. The Devil takes many forms and
|
| in many cases to pinpoint exactly which
| |
| | temptation is never far from the
|
| event causes the cerebral flash that
| |
| | afflicted. You'd think, wouldn't you,
|
| causes many a sane man to crossover into
| |
| | that once the fellow had purged these
|
| the murky world of sawdust, sheds,
| |
| | primeval urges, he would repent, hoover
|
| spiling and tantric sawing and it's said,
| |
| | the house, delouse and retrain the dog,
|
| in certain quarters, that it's not at all
| |
| | dispose of the empty stubbies and fall on
|
| like getting chickenpox or mumps because
| |
| | his knees and beg the wife to return to a
|
| they actually go away after a bit. It is
| |
| | life of neat lawns and crisply ironed
|
| actually like getting religion, you know,
| |
| | shirts.
|
| the soul becomes permanently contaminated
| |
| | But it is, I'm led to believe, a matter
|
| forever.
| |
| | of record that once caught, this dreadful
|
| It's a transformation, a 'seeing of the
| |
| | disease ruins the brain and is etched
|
| light' and the victim once hooked, is
| |
| | forever into the psyche that controls all
|
| totally unaware that for evermore he will
| |
| | human will and like smack cocaine,
|
| alienate the wife, mother-in-law and
| |
| | chocolate, rum and sex, once tasted, will
|
| kids, ruin every stitch of clothing with
| |
| | never leave the victim in peace. Despite
|
| epoxy and paint, wear the strangest of
| |
| | all promises to the contrary, he will
|
| shoes, forget to mow the lawn and the
| |
| | return to his old habits and stroke
|
| oddest symptom of all, he will almost
| |
| | timber planks and drool unknowingly over
|
| never again possess tidy hair or clean
| |
| | the freely available porn of boating
|
| knees again.
| |
| | magazines that lie in wait for yet more
|
| The victim AI (after infection) will take
| |
| | victims on the shelves of every newsagent
|
| to the shed, rifle the rent jar, convert
| |
| | in the land.
|
| the life savings into wood and begin to
| |
| | Footnote one:
|
| smell of paint, wood glue and acetone.
| |
| | It is a confirmed scientific fact that
|
| Steadily growing piles of BM's appear
| |
| | male persons are much more likely to
|
| (boating mags) and the daily arrival of
| |
| | become infected than the female gender,
|
| the postman will result in muffled
| |
| | but in one well known documented case, a
|
| chuckles of demented glee from the shed
| |
| | decent lady turned into a yachty,
|
| as he rips the wrapping off a new
| |
| | gathered other females about her, got a
|
| scarfing machine or a number 3 Stanley
| |
| | boat and damned well sailed right round
|
| plane, now banned in many hardware shops
| |
| | the world.
|
| (well, they must be, you can't find one
| |
| | Footnote two:
|
| for love nor money these days).
| |
| | A well known publisher of such material
|
| It's been statistically proven, in many
| |
| | who shall remain nameless but is known in
|
| cases wives and kids threaten to leave
| |
| | the trade as "Pusher" (P.L.) when
|
| home and if they do, it's a bad thing
| |
| | interviewed about his interests in these
|
| because the house becomes 'workshop two'.
| |
| | magazines, declined to comment except for
|
| Turps bottles replace milk cartons, the
| |
| | one sentence only and I quote: "Whatever
|
| hallway becomes a parking lot ideally
| |
| | floats yer boat, mate!
|
