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The Incurable Addiction of Boating

It's a known fact that boating magazineslot ideally shaped for that unfinished
have been responsible for spreadingcatamaran hull, the fridge becomes a
strange afflictions to many unsuspectingstore for mixed-up epoxy glue which in
NP's (normal people) many of whomturn, makes the bacon smell and taste of
started out in their blighted livesstyrene, (which, of course in many
innocently glancing through the pages ofcases, is a vast improvement).
one of those aforementioned 'Mags'Now the family dog begins advanced
without realising the terrible dangersself-training and learns how to take
they were being exposed to.itself for walkies, turns gradually
These normal people (I was once one) areferal and gnaws off cuts of cedar wood
well known for their pitying sidewaysinstead of bones.
glances at the aqueously inclinedThe victim now tries frantically to save
subspecies known generally as 'boaties,ready cash to make the bi-annual
yachties' and sometimes worse, 'grottypilgrimage to the Holiest of holy
yachties'.Mecca's, The Wooden Boat Show in
Many of these NP's frequent their localTasmania where he will mingle freely
yacht clubs because the view over thewith other afflicted souls (well, at
water is wonderful, the chips are goodleast the Government know where they all
and it's possible to hobnob with peopleare at once, I suppose) Upon his return
so rich that they don't even own a boat.and surrounded by a holy glow, the shed
These elevated types are fawned andwill again echo to the whine of drill
fondled over by the Commodore and areand the hypnotic drone of sander deep
considered above questioning about suchinto the night. So deeply smitten, our
mundane exploits such as sailing,man will by now no longer be able to
hoisting the yardarm and all that stuff.know the difference between a few
In fact, if a yachtie who could actuallyseconds and several hours, cups of tea
afford to keep his craft in such a placewill grow cold, old and mouldy and
for a night or two, let alone thegradually be swallowed by the all
membership fees, dared to splash a dabinvading sawdust.
of paint onto his "Lucky Lady IV" he'dThe actual object of his attentions
run a real risk of being chucked out oftakes various forms. It may, to all
the aforementioned establishment forintents and purposes, look like a
lowering the tone of the joint.perfectly ordinary kayak, a harmless
However, I digress. It's very difficultskiff or a pleasant rowing boat but
in many cases to pinpoint exactly whichdon't be fooled for an instant. The
event causes the cerebral flash thatDevil takes many forms and temptation is
causes many a sane man to crossover intonever far from the afflicted. You'd
the murky world of sawdust, sheds,think, wouldn't you, that once the
spiling and tantric sawing and it'sfellow had purged these primeval urges,
said, in certain quarters, that it's nothe would repent, hoover the house,
at all like getting chickenpox or mumpsdelouse and retrain the dog, dispose of
because they actually go away after athe empty stubbies and fall on his knees
bit. It is actually like gettingand beg the wife to return to a life of
religion, you know, the soul becomesneat lawns and crisply ironed shirts.
permanently contaminated forever.But it is, I'm led to believe, a matter
It's a transformation, a 'seeing of theof record that once caught, this
light' and the victim once hooked, isdreadful disease ruins the brain and is
totally unaware that for evermore heetched forever into the psyche that
will alienate the wife, mother-in-lawcontrols all human will and like smack
and kids, ruin every stitch of clothingcocaine, chocolate, rum and sex, once
with epoxy and paint, wear the strangesttasted, will never leave the victim in
of shoes, forget to mow the lawn and thepeace. Despite all promises to the
oddest symptom of all, he will almostcontrary, he will return to his old
never again possess tidy hair or cleanhabits and stroke timber planks and
knees again.drool unknowingly over the freely
The victim AI (after infection) willavailable porn of boating magazines that
take to the shed, rifle the rent jar,lie in wait for yet more victims on the
convert the life savings into wood andshelves of every newsagent in the land.
begin to smell of paint, wood glue andFootnote one:
acetone. Steadily growing piles of BM'sIt is a confirmed scientific fact that
appear (boating mags) and the dailymale persons are much more likely to
arrival of the postman will result inbecome infected than the female gender,
muffled chuckles of demented glee frombut in one well known documented case, a
the shed as he rips the wrapping off adecent lady turned into a yachty,
new scarfing machine or a number 3gathered other females about her, got a
Stanley plane, now banned in manyboat and damned well sailed right round
hardware shops (well, they must be, youthe world.
can't find one for love nor money theseFootnote two:
days).A well known publisher of such material
It's been statistically proven, in manywho shall remain nameless but is known
cases wives and kids threaten to leavein the trade as "Pusher" (P.L.) when
home and if they do, it's a bad thinginterviewed about his interests in these
because the house becomes 'workshopmagazines, declined to comment except
two'. Turps bottles replace milkfor one sentence only and I quote:
cartons, the hallway becomes a parking"Whatever floats yer boat, mate!



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