| It's a known fact that boating magazines have | | | | catamaran hull, the fridge becomes a store |
| been responsible for spreading strange | | | | for mixed-up epoxy glue which in turn, makes |
| afflictions to many unsuspecting NP's (normal | | | | the bacon smell and taste of styrene, (which, |
| people) many of whom started out in their | | | | of course in many cases, is a vast |
| blighted lives innocently glancing through | | | | improvement). |
| the pages of one of those aforementioned | | | | |
| 'Mags' without realising the terrible dangers | | | | Now the family dog begins advanced |
| they were being exposed to. | | | | self-training and learns how to take itself |
| | | | for walkies, turns gradually feral and gnaws |
| These normal people (I was once one) are well | | | | off cuts of cedar wood instead of bones. |
| known for their pitying sideways glances at | | | | |
| the aqueously inclined subspecies known | | | | The victim now tries frantically to save |
| generally as 'boaties, yachties' and | | | | ready cash to make the bi-annual pilgrimage |
| sometimes worse, 'grotty yachties'. | | | | to the Holiest of holy Mecca's, The Wooden |
| | | | Boat Show in Tasmania where he will mingle |
| Many of these NP's frequent their local yacht | | | | freely with other afflicted souls (well, at |
| clubs because the view over the water is | | | | least the Government know where they all are |
| wonderful, the chips are good and it's | | | | at once, I suppose) Upon his return and |
| possible to hobnob with people so rich that | | | | surrounded by a holy glow, the shed will |
| they don't even own a boat. These elevated | | | | again echo to the whine of drill and the |
| types are fawned and fondled over by the | | | | hypnotic drone of sander deep into the night. |
| Commodore and are considered above | | | | So deeply smitten, our man will by now no |
| questioning about such mundane exploits such | | | | longer be able to know the difference between |
| as sailing, hoisting the yardarm and all that | | | | a few seconds and several hours, cups of tea |
| stuff. In fact, if a yachtie who could | | | | will grow cold, old and mouldy and gradually |
| actually afford to keep his craft in such a | | | | be swallowed by the all invading sawdust. |
| place for a night or two, let alone the | | | | |
| membership fees, dared to splash a dab of | | | | The actual object of his attentions takes |
| paint onto his "Lucky Lady IV" he'd run a | | | | various forms. It may, to all intents and |
| real risk of being chucked out of the | | | | purposes, look like a perfectly ordinary |
| aforementioned establishment for lowering the | | | | kayak, a harmless skiff or a pleasant rowing |
| tone of the joint. | | | | boat but don't be fooled for an instant. The |
| | | | Devil takes many forms and temptation is |
| However, I digress. It's very difficult in | | | | never far from the afflicted. You'd think, |
| many cases to pinpoint exactly which event | | | | wouldn't you, that once the fellow had purged |
| causes the cerebral flash that causes many a | | | | these primeval urges, he would repent, hoover |
| sane man to crossover into the murky world of | | | | the house, delouse and retrain the dog, |
| sawdust, sheds, spiling and tantric sawing | | | | dispose of the empty stubbies and fall on his |
| and it's said, in certain quarters, that it's | | | | knees and beg the wife to return to a life of |
| not at all like getting chickenpox or mumps | | | | neat lawns and crisply ironed shirts. |
| because they actually go away after a bit. It | | | | |
| is actually like getting religion, you know, | | | | But it is, I'm led to believe, a matter of |
| the soul becomes permanently contaminated | | | | record that once caught, this dreadful |
| forever. | | | | disease ruins the brain and is etched forever |
| | | | into the psyche that controls all human will |
| It's a transformation, a 'seeing of the | | | | and like smack cocaine, chocolate, rum and |
| light' and the victim once hooked, is totally | | | | sex, once tasted, will never leave the victim |
| unaware that for evermore he will alienate | | | | in peace. Despite all promises to the |
| the wife, mother-in-law and kids, ruin every | | | | contrary, he will return to his old habits |
| stitch of clothing with epoxy and paint, wear | | | | and stroke timber planks and drool |
| the strangest of shoes, forget to mow the | | | | unknowingly over the freely available porn of |
| lawn and the oddest symptom of all, he will | | | | boating magazines that lie in wait for yet |
| almost never again possess tidy hair or clean | | | | more victims on the shelves of every |
| knees again. | | | | newsagent in the land. |
| | | | |
| The victim AI (after infection) will take to | | | | Footnote one: |
| the shed, rifle the rent jar, convert the | | | | |
| life savings into wood and begin to smell of | | | | It is a confirmed scientific fact that male |
| paint, wood glue and acetone. Steadily | | | | persons are much more likely to become |
| growing piles of BM's appear (boating mags) | | | | infected than the female gender, but in one |
| and the daily arrival of the postman will | | | | well known documented case, a decent lady |
| result in muffled chuckles of demented glee | | | | turned into a yachty, gathered other females |
| from the shed as he rips the wrapping off a | | | | about her, got a boat and damned well sailed |
| new scarfing machine or a number 3 Stanley | | | | right round the world. |
| plane, now banned in many hardware shops | | | | |
| (well, they must be, you can't find one for | | | | Footnote two: |
| love nor money these days). | | | | |
| | | | A well known publisher of such material who |
| It's been statistically proven, in many cases | | | | shall remain nameless but is known in the |
| wives and kids threaten to leave home and if | | | | trade as "Pusher" (P.L.) when interviewed |
| they do, it's a bad thing because the house | | | | about his interests in these magazines, |
| becomes 'workshop two'. Turps bottles replace | | | | declined to comment except for one sentence |
| milk cartons, the hallway becomes a parking | | | | only and I quote: "Whatever floats yer boat, |
| lot ideally shaped for that unfinished | | | | mate! |