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The Incurable Addiction of Boating

It's a known fact that boating magazines havecatamaran hull, the fridge becomes a store
been responsible for spreading strangefor mixed-up epoxy glue which in turn, makes
afflictions to many unsuspecting NP's (normalthe bacon smell and taste of styrene, (which,
people) many of whom started out in theirof course in many cases, is a vast
blighted lives innocently glancing throughimprovement).
the pages of one of those aforementioned
'Mags' without realising the terrible dangersNow the family dog begins advanced
they  were  being  exposed  to.self-training and learns how to take itself
for walkies, turns gradually feral and gnaws
These normal people (I was once one) are welloff  cuts  of  cedar  wood  instead of bones.
known for their pitying sideways glances at
the aqueously inclined subspecies knownThe victim now tries frantically to save
generally as 'boaties, yachties' andready cash to make the bi-annual pilgrimage
sometimes  worse,  'grotty  yachties'.to the Holiest of holy Mecca's, The Wooden
Boat Show in Tasmania where he will mingle
Many of these NP's frequent their local yachtfreely with other afflicted souls (well, at
clubs because the view over the water isleast the Government know where they all are
wonderful, the chips are good and it'sat once, I suppose) Upon his return and
possible to hobnob with people so rich thatsurrounded by a holy glow, the shed will
they don't even own a boat. These elevatedagain echo to the whine of drill and the
types are fawned and fondled over by thehypnotic drone of sander deep into the night.
Commodore and are considered aboveSo deeply smitten, our man will by now no
questioning about such mundane exploits suchlonger be able to know the difference between
as sailing, hoisting the yardarm and all thata few seconds and several hours, cups of tea
stuff. In fact, if a yachtie who couldwill grow cold, old and mouldy and gradually
actually afford to keep his craft in such abe  swallowed  by  the  all invading sawdust.
place for a night or two, let alone the
membership fees, dared to splash a dab ofThe actual object of his attentions takes
paint onto his "Lucky Lady IV" he'd run avarious forms. It may, to all intents and
real risk of being chucked out of thepurposes, look like a perfectly ordinary
aforementioned establishment for lowering thekayak, a harmless skiff or a pleasant rowing
tone  of  the  joint.boat but don't be fooled for an instant. The
Devil takes many forms and temptation is
However, I digress. It's very difficult innever far from the afflicted. You'd think,
many cases to pinpoint exactly which eventwouldn't you, that once the fellow had purged
causes the cerebral flash that causes many athese primeval urges, he would repent, hoover
sane man to crossover into the murky world ofthe house, delouse and retrain the dog,
sawdust, sheds, spiling and tantric sawingdispose of the empty stubbies and fall on his
and it's said, in certain quarters, that it'sknees and beg the wife to return to a life of
not at all like getting chickenpox or mumpsneat  lawns  and  crisply  ironed  shirts.
because they actually go away after a bit. It
is actually like getting religion, you know,But it is, I'm led to believe, a matter of
the soul becomes permanently contaminatedrecord that once caught, this dreadful
forever.disease ruins the brain and is etched forever
into the psyche that controls all human will
It's a transformation, a 'seeing of theand like smack cocaine, chocolate, rum and
light' and the victim once hooked, is totallysex, once tasted, will never leave the victim
unaware that for evermore he will alienatein peace. Despite all promises to the
the wife, mother-in-law and kids, ruin everycontrary, he will return to his old habits
stitch of clothing with epoxy and paint, wearand stroke timber planks and drool
the strangest of shoes, forget to mow theunknowingly over the freely available porn of
lawn and the oddest symptom of all, he willboating magazines that lie in wait for yet
almost never again possess tidy hair or cleanmore victims on the shelves of every
knees  again.newsagent  in  the  land.
The victim AI (after infection) will take toFootnote  one:
the shed, rifle the rent jar, convert the
life savings into wood and begin to smell ofIt is a confirmed scientific fact that male
paint, wood glue and acetone. Steadilypersons are much more likely to become
growing piles of BM's appear (boating mags)infected than the female gender, but in one
and the daily arrival of the postman willwell known documented case, a decent lady
result in muffled chuckles of demented gleeturned into a yachty, gathered other females
from the shed as he rips the wrapping off aabout her, got a boat and damned well sailed
new scarfing machine or a number 3 Stanleyright  round  the  world.
plane, now banned in many hardware shops
(well, they must be, you can't find one forFootnote  two:
love  nor  money  these  days).
A well known publisher of such material who
It's been statistically proven, in many casesshall remain nameless but is known in the
wives and kids threaten to leave home and iftrade as "Pusher" (P.L.) when interviewed
they do, it's a bad thing because the houseabout his interests in these magazines,
becomes 'workshop two'. Turps bottles replacedeclined to comment except for one sentence
milk cartons, the hallway becomes a parkingonly and I quote: "Whatever floats yer boat,
lot ideally shaped for that unfinishedmate!



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