| Today�s lesson is going to be about | | | | 20-year-old student should realise that going |
| compensation claims but, more specifically, | | | | to an exam is just a touch more important |
| their link with video games. So bear with me | | | | than guiding a computerised version of Arnie |
| for a while whilst I go off on one. | | | | through an alien-infested wasteland that |
| | | | exists nowhere else but in his head and on |
| I have, in my short and humble life, achieved | | | | the screen in front of him. |
| a great deal. At the tender age of 14 I won | | | | |
| an Olympic gold medal, a year later I | | | | My mate, whose name I�m going to keep to |
| single-handedly fought my way across | | | | myself, knows that it�s nobody |
| Nazi-occupied Europe and assassinated Hitler, | | | | else�s fault but his own that he threw |
| and not long after, before I had even left | | | | away a stunning girlfriend and a degree from |
| school, I fathered nine children, married six | | | | a good university because he cared more about |
| times and was arrested for bigamy. | | | | something that didn�t exist than the |
| | | | people and things that did. |
| I didn�t stop there, though, and before | | | | |
| I finished my teens I�d set foot on the | | | | But he�s not trying to blame anyone for |
| moon, scored a last minute World Cup winning | | | | that, unlike it seems, some other computer |
| goal and even founded my very own | | | | game addicts. |
| civilisation. | | | | |
| | | | I�ve heard talk of people who have |
| Nowadays my gargantuan adventures have had to | | | | attempted to make personal injury |
| take a bit of a back seat but in the last few | | | | compensation claims against computer game |
| months I�ve still managed to save the | | | | manufacturers because of damage they�ve |
| world from the odd alien invasion and find | | | | suffered whilst waggling joysticks or |
| the time to gun down a load of drug crazed, | | | | prodding gamepads. |
| machete wielding zombies. | | | | |
| | | | As far as I know nobody has won such an |
| All in all it�s not been a bad life. I | | | | accident claim but I imagine it�s going |
| think a lot of people would be proud of the | | | | to happen one day. But under what |
| achievements that I�ve managed to | | | | circumstances would a compensation claim for |
| squeeze into my short years, although | | | | computer game injuries arise? |
| possibly not the bigamy bit of it. But there | | | | |
| lies the problem. Some people would be proud | | | | I guess that eye injuries arising from |
| at how much I�ve done, but there are | | | | staring at a screen for two long, blisters |
| some folk out there who look down on my | | | | from repeatedly prodding buttons and neck |
| accomplishments with scorn. | | | | injuries from dodging imaginary bullets are |
| | | | all things for which he could mount an |
| I might have scored a 40-yard volley in the | | | | argument for console-manufacturer liability. |
| dying seconds of the World Cup Final but a | | | | However, even with us living in the time of |
| friend of mine once scored a hat-trick of | | | | what sensationalist media dubs as the |
| spectacular overhead kicks to win the coveted | | | | �compensation claim culture�, that |
| trophy, blowing my meagre feat well and truly | | | | day seems to be a long way off. |
| out of the water. | | | | |
| | | | Personally, if my finger starts to get a bit |
| The same goes for my heroic dash to the | | | | sore from excessive button pressing or if my |
| centre of the Third Reich; a friend surpassed | | | | head aches a little because I�ve been |
| even my glories by assassinating the Fuhrer | | | | staring intently at a 15-inch square of glass |
| without being shot once, whereas I was | | | | for the whole day, I�d figure it�s |
| riddled with bullets and needed pints and | | | | time to take a rest; I don�t need a |
| pints of blood to replace that which I had | | | | warning on the computer game box to tell me |
| spurted onto German soil. | | | | to stop if I�m in pain. |
| | | | |
| And he doesn�t let me forget it. | | | | But it seems that some people don�t know |
| | | | when to stop. 1990, for example, saw a US |
| Of course, none of this is real, for it if | | | | doctor diagnose a 35-year-old woman with |
| were I wouldn�t be here writing this but | | | | Nintendinitis after a particularly strenuous |
| would be up at Buckingham Palace being | | | | bout of gaming left her with a painfully |
| knighted by the Queen or sat chatting away on | | | | aching thumb. Whether she attempted to |
| Parky�s sofa. Alas, instead, my amazing | | | | pursue a personal injury compensation claim |
| achievements have all been accomplished | | | | against Nintendo is unknown but the question |
| whilst sitting on my backside in front of a | | | | remains, why did she allow herself to get so |
| computer screen. | | | | into whatever game she was playing that she |
| | | | actually ended up needing to see a doctor? |
| That�s right, what I�m talking | | | | |
| about here is addiction to computer games. I | | | | The same goes for those computer game |
| wouldn�t say I�m actually | | | | pioneers back in the early eighties. Fair |
| �addicted� but I probably have | | | | enough, video consoles must have been an |
| spent way too much of my life living in an | | | | amazing discovery to a youth who had grown up |
| artificial world, killing artificial baddies | | | | knowing nothing of Playstations, X-Boxes and |
| and scoring amazing artificial goals. | | | | Wiis, but to play so much that you developed |
| | | | what became known as Space Invaders� |
| My friend on the other hand, the one | | | | Wrist seems a tad excessive. |
| I�ve mentioned above who seems to have | | | | |
| surpassed all of my awesome feats, is | | | | Nowadays it�s no different. 2006 saw |
| definitely an addict. I really did think I | | | | the launch of the Nintendo Wii, a games |
| had a bit of a problem until I met this chap | | | | console which comes with a wireless |
| but now I know for sure there are people out | | | | controller that gives the user the |
| there who need professional help far more | | | | opportunity to become actively involved in |
| desperately than myself. | | | | the game. If you�re playing a tennis |
| | | | game, for example, you can actually play each |
| This was the bloke that booked three weeks | | | | stroke, jumping around your living room like |
| off work to coincide with the launch of the | | | | a lunatic as you attempt forehands and |
| Playstation 2; the lad that spent a | | | | smashes and inelegant between-the-leg lobs. |
| supposedly �romantic� two week | | | | |
| holiday with his girlfriend sat on the beach | | | | This new type of computer game has brought |
| continuously using his laptop to gun down | | | | millions worldwide off their backsides and |
| gangsters on Grand Theft Auto. Needless to | | | | forced them to replace the normal finger |
| say, that relationship didn�t last too | | | | waggling method of control with a full body |
| long. | | | | workout. No doubt in the not too distant |
| | | | future you�ll be able to play a full |
| It�s not just relationships that this | | | | football match in your lounge, complete with |
| guy has thrown away because of his obsession | | | | slide tackles and Gordon Banksesque saves. |
| with computer games. His university degree | | | | |
| once went the way of the ex-girlfriend when | | | | That day might not be too far off and with it |
| he developed an unhealthy addiction to | | | | will surely come numerous personal injury |
| Championship Manager, and a subsequent job | | | | compensation claims from people who�ve |
| similarly followed when he was unable to | | | | split their heads open on the mantelpiece and |
| balance nine to five employment with the | | | | kneecapped themselves on the TV cabinet. |
| stresses and strains of overseeing | | | | |
| Macclesfield Town�s bizarre bid for | | | | Nintendo have already started to see some of |
| European glory. | | | | the problems with enabling people to play |
| | | | tennis and have swordfights with deformed |
| Now he�s wangled himself a job in a | | | | goblins in their living room and company boss |
| video game shop and I can�t work out | | | | Satoru Iwata recently said, �Some people |
| whether or not this is a good thing. They | | | | are getting a lot more excited than we�d |
| say you�re a happy man if your passion | | | | expected. We need to better communicate to |
| is also your work, so good on him, but would | | | | people how to deal with Wii as a new form of |
| we say the same to an alcoholic who earns his | | | | entertainment.� |
| crust as a wine taster? | | | | |
| | | | The president�s observation came |
| Maybe what he really needs to do, instead of | | | | following reports that some overenthusiastic |
| spending 24hrs with his particular narcotic, | | | | Wiiers (is that what they�re called?) |
| is move to a primitive desert community | | | | hadn�t quite got to grips with wireless |
| without electricity and computer technology. | | | | controllers and were launching them across |
| I guess there�s a possibility that being | | | | the living room as they attempted to knock |
| surrounded by computer games all day might | | | | down on-screen skittles with a virtual |
| make him overdose and change his ways, but, | | | | bowling ball. |
| to be honest, I doubt it. | | | | |
| | | | With video games seemingly destroying |
| But whose fault is this whole pretend reality | | | | relationships, ruining jobs, injuring players |
| that his life seems to have become? Is it | | | | and necessitating the services of personal |
| mine for not insisting we go and play | | | | injury solicitors, it has to be concluded |
| football in the park instead of loading up | | | | that they�re evil. Either that or the |
| another match on Sensible Soccer? Or is it | | | | human race just needs to get a grip on |
| his mum�s for not giving him a clip | | | | reality. |
| around the ear and insisting he get some | | | | |
| fresh air? | | | | Anyway, I haven�t got time to discuss it |
| | | | anymore, I�m off to hack up some zombies |
| Sometimes in life it�s too easy to blame | | | | and gun down some baddies. Hasta la vista, |
| others instead of taking responsibility for | | | | baby. |
| our own actions and, if truth be told, a | | | | |