Wii injuries, destroyed lives and the unreal reality

Today�s lesson is going to be aboutmore important than guiding a computerised version
compensation claims but, more specifically, their linkof Arnie through an alien-infested wasteland that
with video games. So bear with me for a while whilstexists nowhere else but in his head and on the
I go off on one.screen in front of him.
I have, in my short and humble life, achieved a greatMy mate, whose name I�m going to keep
deal. At the tender age of 14 I won an Olympic goldto myself, knows that it�s nobody
medal, a year later I single-handedly fought my wayelse�s fault but his own that he threw away
across Nazi-occupied Europe and assassinated Hitler,a stunning girlfriend and a degree from a good
and not long after, before I had even left school, Iuniversity because he cared more about something
fathered nine children, married six times and wasthat didn�t exist than the people and things
arrested for bigamy.that did.
I didn�t stop there, though, and before IBut he�s not trying to blame anyone for
finished my teens I�d set foot on the moon,that, unlike it seems, some other computer game
scored a last minute World Cup winning goal andaddicts.
even founded my very own civilisation.I�ve heard talk of people who have
Nowadays my gargantuan adventures have had toattempted to make personal injury compensation
take a bit of a back seat but in the last few monthsclaims against computer game manufacturers
I�ve still managed to save the world frombecause of damage they�ve suffered whilst
the odd alien invasion and find the time to gun downwaggling joysticks or prodding gamepads.
a load of drug crazed, machete wielding zombies.As far as I know nobody has won such an accident
All in all it�s not been a bad life. I think a lotclaim but I imagine it�s going to happen one
of people would be proud of the achievements thatday. But under what circumstances would a
I�ve managed to squeeze into my shortcompensation claim for computer game injuries arise?
years, although possibly not the bigamy bit of it. ButI guess that eye injuries arising from staring at a
there lies the problem. Some people would be proudscreen for two long, blisters from repeatedly
at how much I�ve done, but there are someprodding buttons and neck injuries from dodging
folk out there who look down on myimaginary bullets are all things for which he could
accomplishments with scorn.mount an argument for console-manufacturer liability.
I might have scored a 40-yard volley in the dyingHowever, even with us living in the time of what
seconds of the World Cup Final but a friend of minesensationalist media dubs as the
once scored a hat-trick of spectacular overhead kicks�compensation claim culture�, that
to win the coveted trophy, blowing my meagre featday seems to be a long way off.
well and truly out of the water.Personally, if my finger starts to get a bit sore from
The same goes for my heroic dash to the centre ofexcessive button pressing or if my head aches a little
the Third Reich; a friend surpassed even my gloriesbecause I�ve been staring intently at a
by assassinating the Fuhrer without being shot once,15-inch square of glass for the whole day,
whereas I was riddled with bullets and needed pintsI�d figure it�s time to take a rest; I
and pints of blood to replace that which I haddon�t need a warning on the computer
spurted onto German soil.game box to tell me to stop if I�m in pain.
And he doesn�t let me forget it.But it seems that some people don�t know
Of course, none of this is real, for it if were Iwhen to stop. 1990, for example, saw a US doctor
wouldn�t be here writing this but would bediagnose a 35-year-old woman with Nintendinitis after
up at Buckingham Palace being knighted by thea particularly strenuous bout of gaming left her with a
Queen or sat chatting away on Parky�spainfully aching thumb. Whether she attempted to
sofa. Alas, instead, my amazing achievements have allpursue a personal injury compensation claim against
been accomplished whilst sitting on my backside inNintendo is unknown but the question remains, why
front of a computer screen.did she allow herself to get so into whatever game
That�s right, what I�m talking aboutshe was playing that she actually ended up needing
here is addiction to computer games. Ito see a doctor?
wouldn�t say I�m actuallyThe same goes for those computer game pioneers
�addicted� but I probably haveback in the early eighties. Fair enough, video consoles
spent way too much of my life living in an artificialmust have been an amazing discovery to a youth
world, killing artificial baddies and scoring amazingwho had grown up knowing nothing of Playstations,
artificial goals.X-Boxes and Wiis, but to play so much that you
My friend on the other hand, the one I�vedeveloped what became known as Space
mentioned above who seems to have surpassed allInvaders� Wrist seems a tad excessive.
of my awesome feats, is definitely an addict. I reallyNowadays it�s no different. 2006 saw the
did think I had a bit of a problem until I met this chaplaunch of the Nintendo Wii, a games console which
but now I know for sure there are people out therecomes with a wireless controller that gives the user
who need professional help far more desperatelythe opportunity to become actively involved in the
than myself.game. If you�re playing a tennis game, for
This was the bloke that booked three weeks offexample, you can actually play each stroke, jumping
work to coincide with the launch of the Playstation 2;around your living room like a lunatic as you attempt
the lad that spent a supposedlyforehands and smashes and inelegant
�romantic� two week holiday withbetween-the-leg lobs.
his girlfriend sat on the beach continuously using hisThis new type of computer game has brought
laptop to gun down gangsters on Grand Theft Auto.millions worldwide off their backsides and forced
Needless to say, that relationship didn�t lastthem to replace the normal finger waggling method
too long.of control with a full body workout. No doubt in the
It�s not just relationships that this guy hasnot too distant future you�ll be able to play
thrown away because of his obsession witha full football match in your lounge, complete with
computer games. His university degree once wentslide tackles and Gordon Banksesque saves.
the way of the ex-girlfriend when he developed anThat day might not be too far off and with it will
unhealthy addiction to Championship Manager, and asurely come numerous personal injury compensation
subsequent job similarly followed when he was unableclaims from people who�ve split their heads
to balance nine to five employment with the stressesopen on the mantelpiece and kneecapped
and strains of overseeing Macclesfieldthemselves on the TV cabinet.
Town�s bizarre bid for European glory.Nintendo have already started to see some of the
Now he�s wangled himself a job in a videoproblems with enabling people to play tennis and have
game shop and I can�t work out whether orswordfights with deformed goblins in their living room
not this is a good thing. They say you�re aand company boss Satoru Iwata recently said,
happy man if your passion is also your work, so good�Some people are getting a lot more excited
on him, but would we say the same to an alcoholicthan we�d expected. We need to better
who earns his crust as a wine taster?communicate to people how to deal with Wii as a
Maybe what he really needs to do, instead ofnew form of entertainment.�
spending 24hrs with his particular narcotic, is move toThe president�s observation came following
a primitive desert community without electricity andreports that some overenthusiastic Wiiers (is that
computer technology. I guess there�s awhat they�re called?) hadn�t quite
possibility that being surrounded by computer gamesgot to grips with wireless controllers and were
all day might make him overdose and change hislaunching them across the living room as they
ways, but, to be honest, I doubt it.attempted to knock down on-screen skittles with a
But whose fault is this whole pretend reality that hisvirtual bowling ball.
life seems to have become? Is it mine for notWith video games seemingly destroying relationships,
insisting we go and play football in the park insteadruining jobs, injuring players and necessitating the
of loading up another match on Sensible Soccer? Orservices of personal injury solicitors, it has to be
is it his mum�s for not giving him a clipconcluded that they�re evil. Either that or
around the ear and insisting he get some fresh air?the human race just needs to get a grip on reality.
Sometimes in life it�s too easy to blameAnyway, I haven�t got time to discuss it
others instead of taking responsibility for our ownanymore, I�m off to hack up some zombies
actions and, if truth be told, a 20-year-old studentand gun down some baddies. Hasta la vista, baby.
should realise that going to an exam is just a touch