| Hearing that your cheating spouse is "in love" with | | | | Stop being a pain! |
| someone else is devastating. I hear often, "I can | | | | Remember, this "in love" state will fade. You need to |
| handle her having sex with someone else. I think I | | | | have the confidence that it will. You need patience. |
| can live with that. But, for her to give herself | | | | The relationship will run its course. |
| emotionally and "love" someone else...man, that is | | | | She needs the space. She needs some quiet |
| hard." (Feel free to substitute the word he for she in | | | | moments to truly hear herself and face the |
| this article.) | | | | emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that |
| What can you specifically do to increase the odds of | | | | says, "This will not last. Is this what I really want? At |
| saving the marriage? | | | | some time I must live in the real world. Where is this |
| So often the offended spouse reacts with intense | | | | taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why |
| feelings and pulls out all stops to "win her back." | | | | am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this |
| He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. | | | | empty pit in my stomach when I'm not with him? |
| Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. | | | | What does this say about me?" |
| Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the | | | | This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. |
| phone. Asks questions... daily, sometimes hourly. He is | | | | Don't get in her way. |
| on her like a fly on doo-doo. | | | | I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, |
| It doesn't work.Why? Well, for one reason she has | | | | you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn |
| found all the stimulation and excitement she | | | | to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the |
| supposedly needs in her new found "love." | | | | straight and narrow path. |
| At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the | | | | At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill |
| cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional | | | | called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that |
| input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close | | | | skill.This will take some effort. It might take some |
| the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is | | | | coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that |
| really looking for some stability, some solid centered | | | | you get to know yourself better, that you gain more |
| core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama | | | | confidence in you - apart from what she does with |
| entices her and blows around her. | | | | him - that you build a strong foundation under |
| If you bombard her with your neediness, you are | | | | yourself that can weather any storm. |
| certainly not the person who can help her in ways | | | | This is your opportunity to grow to another level. |
| she really seeks. | | | | Oh, by the way. She will notice! And....she might like it. |
| She also is liable to create a polarity and begin | | | | Backing off does not mean that you don't have |
| comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all | | | | anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You |
| over you, you don't stand a very good chance of | | | | want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be |
| coming out on top. Sorry! | | | | QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor |
| Here's a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives | | | | to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions |
| you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It's | | | | and works toward resolution for the marriage. |
| called "back off!" | | | | Summary: Less often means more when facing |
| Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent - most | | | | emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as |
| of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking | | | | "backing off" enhances one's chance to save the |
| questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. | | | | marriage. |